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All Deviations

ShadowRise chapter seven by ~Pteradolphin18:iconPteradolphin18:



Jess awoke to a gentle nudging…
She opened her eyes and looked at Zach. He was whispering to her, saying that they’re here (wherever here was). Jess groaned and tried to get up. Suddenly, a violent shock entered her arm and Jess felt tears in her eyes. She had already forgotten about her wrist.
“Try to be more careful.” Zach said easing her off Sanskrit’s back.
Jess felt the crunch of snow underneath her shoes as she landed. She had a hard time keeping her eyes open she was so groggy, and she squinted at the bright moonlight from a break in the clouds. Zach led Jess through a door partially covered in the snow.

Inside, it was cold. The walls were made of rusting metal, with a set of stairs leading down. In the moonlight, Jess could see at the bottom there was another door. Zach closed the door and led Jess down the dark stairs. It was pitch black and Jess couldn’t see her hand in front of her face. Zach seemed to know where he was going because she could hear his steps in front of her:
Step!   Step!   Step!   Step!   Step!

Jess couldn’t move. She fell down the stairs once when she was eight. She was heading from the second floor of her house to the kitchen to get a glass of water. It was the middle of the night and all the lights were out, and Jess thought she knew where the stairs were. But, when she felt for the first step, she only felt air as she fell and sprained her ankle falling down all twelve steps.
Now Jess was nervous. She’d already hurt one body part today, she didn’t need another one.
“Are you coming down?” Zach called from the bottom.
“Y-yeah! Gimme a minute…” Jess said.
She felt gently for the first step… but found nothing but air.
Suddenly, Jess gasped as she felt someone behind her tap her back. Her body lurched forward as her foot caught the first step. Jess felt goose bumps and her heart was fluttering. She stood frozen. She calmed down when she heard a low re-assuring growl behind her…
It was Sanskrit trying to nudge her forward.
Jess felt for another step…
Her foot tapped the second step, and Jess took a step down.
She felt for the next one, and felt her foot tap against another step.
Tap tap…step! Tap… tap step! Tap tap… step!
Sanskrit was behind her, padding down the stairs in soft thumps.
Jess felt for the next step and felt only solid ground.
She reached the bottom.
She then heard a key entering a lock, and a door handle turned. The door opened and Jess felt a hand on her shoulder leading her inside. There was a scraping sound, and a tiny burst of light sprang to life. Zach held a lit match and the small flame chased away the darkness in a dim glow. The glow became brighter as Zach held the match to a wick inside a glass lantern. The lantern was then set down on a wooden table that occupied a corner of the room. He led Jess to a small cot that lay to the side. Jess sat down and heard the frame creak as she sank down on the mattress. Zach took Jess’s hurt wrist and un-wrapped the bandage. Jess’s skin crawled at the sight of her wound. A small line of stitching snaked over an inch of her wrist where the door lock dug into her skin, and dark black and blue covered the rest of her wrist in nasty blotches. It was a mess.
Zach took out the blue bottle again and Jess looked away as the liquid poured over her arm. It strangely didn’t hurt as much the second time. There was only a mild prickling feeling. Zach put the top back on the bottle and put the bandage back on Jess’s wrist.

G-r-r-… sc-r-r-ape…r-r-r…

Jess looked over to Sanskrit who had a cross look on his face and was pushing a metal dish towards Zach.
Zach sighed and said, “You can get your own food, you’re a big cat.”
Sanskrit looked towards the door warily and looked at him as if to say,
It’s cold out there!
Sanskrit snarled as Zach walked away.
Zach spun around, “Hey!”
Sanskrit picked up the metal dish and dropped it by Zach’s feet. Somehow Zach couldn’t help but smile. Sanskrit lay down on his back, swished his tail, and purred softly. Zach crossed his arms and shook his head. He walked away again.
“I think he’s not taking no for an answer.” Jess laughed,
“Yeah… Problem is I’ve been treating him too much like a regular house cat… He thinks he’s one half the time.” He turned around to look at Sanskrit
Still on his back purring. He sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes.
“Alright! I’ll bite, you big pansy…”

Zach picked up the metal dish, walked toward a small ice box in the far corner on the other side of the room, and pulled out a thick slice of meat. He dropped the dish on the floor, put the meat in and watched Sanskrit tear into it happily.
“Don’t think I’ll be doing this anymore… You hear me? Hey!” Zach picked up Sanskrit’s head,
“You get your OWN food from now on…” He walked away.
Sanskrit stopped eating and looked at his master with a wary eye as he chewed.

Zach pulled a chair from the table and sat down. He rubbed his eyes and looked at Jess.
“Look, uh… it’s…it’s, uh…” He searched for the right words. Jess waited patiently.
“There’s a lot to be explained… I… I know that’s an understatement at best.” He laughed weakly.
“Look, uh… Why don’t… why don’t you just y’know get some rest. I’ll tell you everything in the morning.”
“Why can’t I go back home?” Jess said,
“It’s complicated.” Zach replied,
“Well, who are you and what is this place?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Well, why is it so damn complicated!?”
“It’s comp-… There’s just a lot to explain and it may take hours to do that. You should rest. You need it. Like I said I’ll answer every question you have in the morning.” He got up.
“One other thing though,” Jess added,
The boy turned around,
“Can I trust you?” She said folding her arms,
Zach smirked and looked around.
“I dunno, is Sanskrit a giant rare blue polar tiger?” He points to Sanskrit licking the metal bowl clean and washing his fur with his tongue. Jess gave the cat a funny look and said,
“Weirdly enough, yes…?”
“Well okay then.” Zach smiled, and walked away.
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Submitted: May 20
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Author's Comments

haha! i needed some humor in this story ^^ hehe
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~FistsofFire17:iconFistsofFire17: May 23, 2008, 1:00:21 PM
Alright...kind of a filler chapter. I'm hoping that the fear of stairs will come into the story later on in the story, otherwise, a short mention will do.

Again, with the otomonopia's(however the fuck you spell that word >_<;), don't use 'em...this is a book for people our age right? Unless it's for the elementary school demographic, there are much better ways to paint a picture of sound effects. In fact, you had the right idea right here "Sanskrit was behind her, padding down the stairs in soft thumps." Use sentences like that to describe sound effects, and the same picture will be painted in a more mature manner.

I'm guessing the cat and his food was the humorous part...I hate to say I didn't get it until AFTER I saw your comment. Maybe you could make the cat more cutesy in order to bring out the humor of the moment. You established that they're in a dark, candle-lit room, and that Jess is wounded and so forth...it seems sort of an odd moment to toss in humor. It's good that you're trying to illuminate the mood, but make it more obvious that this is a moment where it's okay to laugh.

The last paragraph where Zach speaks with Jess...too many umms and uhh's. If you want to make it seem like he's apprehensive about telling Jess the situation at the moment, say it in description before he says it. Tell the audience how Zach is feeling when he's telling Jess it's complicated and they'll get the idea, even without all the umm's and uhhh's. Use words like "stumbling" and "mumbling"--basically "awkward" words to describe how he's speaking to Jess.

I hope I'm not being too brutal and that you're AIM works again soon...there's a lot to be discussed about these chapters which I wouldn't want to post for all eyes to see.

Keep at it though, this is still a good story with a great deal of intrigue.

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It's not who I am on the inside, but what I do that defines me.
~Pteradolphin18:iconPteradolphin18: May 24, 2008, 1:49:43 PM
thats what NOTES ON dA IS FOR!!!!!! rofl,
and no ur not 4 the last time fists ^_^ lol
u are helping me in the biggest way beyond my rational-est(is that a word? 0.o;) thinking! so quit apologizen dude! lol^^
ur an awesome help here and u highlighted mistakes that blew RIGHT past me when I read it! so no more apologetic nonsense. k buddy? :)
btw, AIM's still down for me >.< *grr*
so send me a note, or e-mail me sumthin. k?

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come see da gallery that is mah art!!! ^____^

10% goth 50% in touch with reality 20% shy and emotional 20% happy and giddy 100% freak...^^
~FistsofFire17:iconFistsofFire17: May 24, 2008, 7:15:44 PM
Okay

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It's not who I am on the inside, but what I do that defines me.